is your mom at the bar?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
