Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
