I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
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Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
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You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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