I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
