my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
