Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
