I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
