He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
When are your genitals available?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
