i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
