Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
