can we get nightvision for the apartment?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
