I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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