We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
