Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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