she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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