i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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