i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
we're making bets on your personal life
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
