Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
