my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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