my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
