i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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