I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
