You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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