I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
