I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
