how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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