Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
