Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
