remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
