do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
