wrigley field is MILF paradise
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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