I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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