i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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