Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
