i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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