Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
