Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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