why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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