my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
i think my cat just said my name.
Two words: blizzard sex
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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