I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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