sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
