That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Say something about gay babies.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
