dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
