Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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