I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
