I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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