That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
