I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
