I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
