Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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