I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
