And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
