People in love make me want to vomit
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
