it was like his penis was on wheels.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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