seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
