apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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