a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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