Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
