I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
