she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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