Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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