The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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